Tending the Fire: How to Maintain Erotic Desire

If your life is anything like mine, you are way too busy. Busyness seems to be a chronic illness of Millennials and Gen-Xers — especially in the Bay Area. My clients often tell me that they would like to have more sex, but they actually don’t have enough time. A frequent, yet specious excuse; we make time for what is important to us. For more on this you can read my post, Making Time.

When we take away the excuse of time, what are we left with? Literal exhaustion from the demands of our busy lives. Pressure to have sex because we should want it; or because everyone else is doing it. Our partner has been asking for intimacy over and over again, but we cannot rally to meet their needs. Perhaps it’s been so long, that we feel performance anxiety? Or we worry that our advances will not be reciprocated. All of these are real ways that intimacy can become blocked within ourselves and our relationships.

But there is one more…

Often we want to connect, be sensual, sexy, or erotic with our partner but we aren’t in the mood for sex. Since sex is often seen as a zero sum game, we often don’t engage in all of the pleasurable activities that come before or in lieu of sex. The is a cultural belief that if touching or exchanging erotic energy doesn’t lead to intercourse then it’s not real sex or it’s not worth our time. When you take intercourse off the table, you relieve yourself of pressure and open yourself up to experiencing other forms of intimate connection.

Erotic desire is a fire that needs tending. If you ignore the fire, it slowly dies down, and when the embers go out it takes for-fucking-ever to get it lit again. But when you tend the fire every day… just throw in a little kindling, some paper, another branch — you can get that fire roaring much easier. A tiny flame catches more quickly than a pile of cold ash.

Here are some ways to nurture your erotic fire:

Gottman Institute’s patented ‘Six-Second Kiss’

I’m not talking about a chaste peck on the mouth, or a fish-lipped smooch. I’m talking the real deal. Pull each other in close, and focus all your attention on your partner for six damn seconds. One, one thousand, two, one thousand, three… Honestly, I do this one all the time and it feels great! Kissing releases all these wonderful chemicals in our brains: dopamine, oxytocin, epinephrine, and norepinephrine. These are all the feel-good chemicals. We want these! Kissing can also potentially lower cortisol (the stress hormone). However, it takes at least six seconds for these benefits to be accessed. So, slow down and enjoy that kiss.

Flirt via Text

Send a flirty, sexy or explicit text in the middle of the day. The purpose of these communications is to build tension and anticipation. It feels good to know that your partner is thinking about you and looking forward to connecting.

Naked Cuddle and Chat

Often couples want to feel erotically connected, but do not have the energy or the desire to engage in sexual activity. This is a great opportunity to share a naked cuddle. Get in bed early and spend some quality time without any media distractions. Focus your attention on the skin to skin contact and the warmth of your partner’s body. Ask your partner to run their hands over your skin while you touch your partner in return.

Cook Dinner Together

Make a date of performing an often mundane daily task. Listen to music that makes you feel sexy, or music that has a significant meaning in your relationship; perhaps music from the last concert you attended. Introducing some low-cost fun to our routine creates more playfulness in the relationship, which nurtures erotic connection.

Use Your Words

Tell your partner how you feel about them. Whether your words are romantic, passionate, or naughty, affirmation boosts self-image and general wellbeing. Compliment your partner’s appearance. Tell them you think they are sexy. Share with your partner, what you enjoy most about being with them. Unsolicited affirmation will help your partner feel good, possibly even sexy, which raises the potential for intimacy.

Casual Caressing

I love being touched and I love touching my partners. So I make a point to seize opportunities to connect with them physically. Sliding your hand along your partner’s shoulders as you walk past them why they are clicking away at their laptop, a lingering booty grab while they wash dishes, a six second kiss before you leave for work, a gentle touch on the back of their head or neck — all of these fast and casual touches communicate intimacy, appreciate for your partner, and low levels of desire.

Prolonged Eye Contact

I’m not talking about eye-gazing. Rather, I’m encouraging you to meet your partner’s gaze and hold it for longer than five seconds. Look each other in the eyes while you chat over dinner. Or pause Netflix for a moment and share a smile. When your partner returns home from work, put down your phone, stand up and greet them with your full attention.

Masturbate!

Either alone or together. Mutual masturbation can be a novel way for a couple to experience sexual connection without pressure to perform or care-take another’s experience. Solo masturbation keeps our stress low and our juices (ahem) flowing. Pleasure begets pleasure.

Take a Bath/Shower Together

This one is pretty straightforward. If you don’t have the energy for sex, but want to enjoy some touch and intimacy, bathing and showering is a good way to relax together while getting some bonding time in before bed.

Plan a Date

Almost all relationships get to a phase in which partners take intimacy for granted. This often coincides with cohabitation. Couples often stop planning activities because they know their partner will be home in the evening and most likely available. Couples that have the sex-life that they want tend to plan dates; this gives you something to look forward to, and that anticipation leads to greater desire. Think about the beginning of a relationship — people plan dates and anticipate the potential for intimacy. After a few dates, people also anticipate sex and intimacy. In the act of planning a date, we are devoting time to intimate connection, regardless if the date will result in sex or not. Bringing back that intentionality helps couples prioritize intimacy.