How Queer Intimacy Can Help You Become a Better Lover

Sexuality is a complex and diverse spectrum. Within that spectrum, queer people have long been pioneers of exploring and redefining norms. As the world continues to embrace inclusivity, everyone — not just queer people — stand to benefit. Straight individuals can glean valuable lessons from the queer community about sexual pleasure and fulfillment. In this blog, we will delve into an exploration of what straight people can gain from queer people’s experiences, perspectives, and approaches to sexuality.

PLEASURE

Queer culture often celebrates sexual pleasure as an integral part of self-expression and personal liberation. By adopting a more sex-positive mindset, straight individuals can enhance their own sexual experiences. This mindset encourages an open attitude towards exploring one’s desires, and embracing pleasure as a legitimate and valuable pursuit. It involves understanding and prioritizing one’s own pleasure as well as actively seeking to pleasure one’s partner.

Queer people know that sexual pleasure is not only felt in our genitals — we experience it throughout our entire bodies, and not just when we orgasm. Queer people spend more time and attention pleasuring different parts of the body as a holistic sexual experience. Pleasure can be experienced mentally and emotionally as well. Our brains are our most crucial sex organ, and the more time we spend engaging our brain during warm-up and during sex, the more pleasure (physical and emotional) we can potentially feel. A great example of this is dirty talk. For those of us that engage in dirty talk, we know that a well timed phrase can send tingles throughout our whole body.

TAKING THE LEAD

Queer individuals have historically challenged societal norms and expectations surrounding sexuality. By questioning and dismantling these norms, they have created spaces for alternative sexual practices and relationships. Since queer people (and especially disabled queer folks) operate beyond what is considered ‘normal sex’, they must take responsibility for their experiences and pleasure. They invest more time in understanding their bodies, desires, and boundaries.Straight individuals can learn from this liberation and explore their own desires outside the confines of societal expectations. Whether it is exploring different sexual positions, engaging in role-play, or experimenting with non-traditional relationship structures, breaking free from norms can open up new avenues for pleasure, intimacy, and self-expression.

A pervasive cultural belief is that sex is something that men want more than women. Men are in charge of initiating sex, leading the experience, and doing most of the work during the event. Men are responsible not only for their own pleasure, but women’s as well. That is a lot of unfair pressure, and not the best way to have a good time. Straight women often don’t invest in understanding their own pleasure as a result of this loss of responsibility. This lack of self-knowledge often leads them to unsatisfying sexual encounters and relationships. It can often lead to difficulty knowing their desires, communicating them, not to mention orgasming or enjoying sex at all. It also places their partners at a disadvantage because it is extremely difficult to give someone pleasure when they have little knowledge of what feels good.

THE BIG FINISH

Heterosexual couples often overemphasize what I refer to as the diamond on top of the pyramid — simultaneous orgasm during intercourse, in which the female partner has an orgasm from penile penetration alone. Often, this scenario is depicted within monogamous relationships, and the couple is deeply in love. Oh yes, and there is smoldering eye contact during the mutual orgasm. That is a lot of pressure for one very specific type of sex, and it is also statistically uncommon. Less than 27% of vulva-bearing people can have an orgasm from penetration alone. And yet, most women believe that they should be able to come this way. They often believe that something is wrong with them because they cannot orgasm during hands-free intercourse, and unfortunately their male partners often share this erroneous belief.

It is normal in queer relationships for partners to take turns giving and receiving pleasure. They realize that it is unlikely and often difficult for everyone to receive enough pleasure and stimulation to move towards orgasm at the same rate. Instead of trying to make every moment of sex physically stimulating for all partners, queer people focus on fun, enjoyment, fulfillment and discovery. They practice generosity when it comes to pleasuring their partners, not expecting to feel physical pleasure at the same time. Approaching sex in this manner makes it easier for everyone to get what they need to have a good time, without the distraction of trying to do things ‘the right way’. As long as what you are doing is consensual, there is no wrong way to give and receive pleasure.

COMMUNICATION

We have all heard the saying, “Work smarter, not harder” and I fully encourage this to be applied to sex. When I play with a new partner for the first time, I always ask them the same question before I touch their genitals: “How do you like to come?” Aside from the most obvious, I learn so much about someone by the way in which they answer this question. First and foremost, I learn how to get them off. This makes my job so much easier. If someone cannot orgasm through oral stimulation, I will not spend an hour with my face between their legs hoping that they are getting close. I love to give pleasure, and it is much easier for me to give generously to my partners when I know what they like to receive.

Another thing I learn from partners when they answer the question, ‘’How do you like to come?” is how well they know themselves. If someone struggles to identify what feels good for them, then I will also struggle to identify what feels good for them. Finally, when new partners answer my question, I learn about their communication skills. Not only their ability to thoughtfully respond, but also their comfort in doing so. This one little question is the foundation for the communication I have with my partners. It guides me into showing up for them in the way they need and it also helps prevent much confusion or frustration I may develop when trying to give them a good experience.

Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of all healthy sexual relationships. Queer communities have long prioritized communication and consent, understanding the importance of explicitly expressing desires, boundaries, and preferences. Straight individuals can learn from these practices to foster healthier and more fulfilling sexual connections.

CONSENT

Queer individuals have long understood the importance of respecting boundaries and embracing diverse desires. Within the queer community, there is a deep understanding that everyone has unique preferences and comfort levels. This understanding extends beyond the binary thinking often seen in mainstream society. Straight individuals can learn to navigate consent, boundaries, and preferences with empathy and respect. The message here is to not make assumptions about what people want. Ask questions and pay attention. By actively listening to their partners, engaging in ongoing discussions about boundaries, and embracing the diversity of desires, straight individuals can create a safe and inclusive space where everyone’s needs are acknowledged and honored.

CONCLUSION

As society progresses towards greater inclusivity and acceptance, there is an opportunity for straight individuals to recognize the wealth of knowledge and experiences that can be gleaned from the queer community. Through exploring the vast ways people can give and receive pleasure, straight people can have more enjoyable sexual experiences. By moving beyond proscribed gender norms, both men and women can gain sexual agency. In abandoning the expectations about how sex and orgasm are supposed to work, straight individuals can expand their capacity to give and receive pleasure. Through open communication we can all give from a smarter place, and receive more of what we truly desire. Finally, by embracing the mandate of consent, everyone can experience more safety within the sexual realm, which supports more fulfilling sexual experiences.