Few activities have the potential to be as arousing and connective as sharing desires and fantasies with our partners. Often, desires and fantasies are thought to be the same thing, which can lead to disappointment and hurt feelings. Understanding the difference between desire and fantasy is crucial to sharing your inner turn-ons in a way that leads to heightened intimacy. In most basic terms, fantasy is something that feels good to think about, and desire is something we actually want to do.

Examples:- I want to feel like the center of attention. (Desire)- While masturbating, I think about…

January is when many of us begin the project of goal attainment and making changes. Some of us call this a New Year’s Resolution, others may look at it as a fresh start to the new year. Exploring and nurturing our sexuality often end up on these lists of goals and resolutions; sexuality often being something we put off throughout the year. We are too busy, too stressed, not ready, etc. Like fitness goals or quitting habits, our sexual aspirations are often abandoned by the first buds of spring, despite our deep desire to see them through. This happens because…


Poor Judgment

Unfortunately, we have poor judgment about what will make us happy. When it comes to sexuality and intimacy, this isn’t a surprise. As we enter adolescence, most of us are not encouraged to explore our erotic preferences, let alone taught how to communicate them. Many of us pursue relationships and sexual experiences that we believe to be ‘normal’ as portrayed by media, pop-culture, our peers, and our families. However, our intuitions that reflect social norms are often wrong. A classic example of this is the belief that earning more money will make you happier. This belief is distinctly…


I recently took an online class offered by Yale, about the science of well-being. I learned a ton about happiness, our brains, and how we self-sabotage. Of course, I could not help but take everything I learned from the class and apply it to the subject of sex and relationships. A common complaint I hear from most clients is that they become bored with sex in long-term relationships, which can significantly impact an individual’s well-being. There are two main reasons we become bored with our sex-lives: hedonic adaptation and poor judgment. Resentment also plays a role in reducing our pleasure…


In case you missed this in your American history class, (you did) the first Pride was a march honoring the one year anniversary the Stonewall Riot in NYC on June 28, 1969. The riot was a response to police brutality and harassment that was being perpetrated against the LGBTQ+ community. The police systematically raided queer safe spaces, like the Stonewall Inn, to intimidate a marginalized and nearly invisible community. The Stonewall Riot was not the first of its kind. In 1966 San Francisco, there were the Compton Cafeteria Riots. This event is also the beginning of the trans rights movement…


A common complaint of women is that they do not receive enough foreplay leading up to sex. When I say foreplay, I’m not talking about oral sex. Oral-sex is real sex! Sex is in the name. The term sex is not limited to penetration, or intercourse. Merriam-Webster defines sex as: sexual motivated phenomena or behavior. So before we go any further, I want to emphasize that sex is whatever you and your partner(s) want it to be, and that everyone has their own version of the ‘main event’. …


If your life is anything like mine, you are way too busy. Busyness seems to be a chronic illness of Millennials and Gen-Xers — especially in the Bay Area. My clients often tell me that they would like to have more sex, but they actually don’t have enough time. A frequent, yet specious excuse; we make time for what is important to us. For more on this you can read my post, Making Time.

When we take away the excuse of time, what are we left with? Literal exhaustion from the demands of our busy lives. Pressure to have sex…


To my knowledge no one has uttered the phrase, “I really enjoyed grad-school.” At least no one I have ever encountered. I certainly never imagined returning to school myself to earn an MA, let alone a PhD, which is my eventual goal. Most people contemplate this decision long and hard. I did not. It hit me suddenly, and once the idea took root in my brain, it sent delicate shoots around my heart, and I could see no other way forward. For many years my life has been one of purpose — helping individuals and couples find more pleasure and…


In my Grandma’s home, there is a family photo gallery adorning the wall parallel to the staircase. From a very young age my Grandma would tell me the stories of each person in every photograph; members of my family who I have never met, some long dead before I was born, distant Polish cousins; everyone was there. Step by carpeted step, we ascended the staircase as she taught me about our history. At the very top of the stairs was a small studio photograph of a group of distant adult cousins whom I will never know. I remember two things…


I recently had a first session with a new couple that wanted to learn how to have creative and connective sex; specifically, without a bio-cock. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call the two women of the couple Zoe and Gwen. They were having trouble with everything from initiation to knowing when it was over. Not to mention figuring out who comes first, or how to negotiate toys. For the first twenty minutes of the session, Zoe and Gwen’s questions poured forth and so did my answers. Until a very important question broke our flow. …

Shelby Devlin

Certified Sex & Intimacy Coach, and CMT. Pleasure advocate for individuals and couples. shelbydevlin.com

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